Wednesday, November 18, 2015

Take It Slow.

我们还年轻,还有好多梦可追。

可是黑暗中的曙光,是否那么容易被抓住?

看不清的前路,不堪回首的来时路。

我在原地,进退两难。

 多希望有股神秘的力量指引我前进。

他说,自我开发的书都是废话。

没有人能比自己更了解自己。

踩在脚下的荆棘到底成了我的动力或绊脚石?

我不甘心就那样停住,却没有勇气往前走。

在世人世俗的眼光中背道而行,你敢放手一搏吗? 

你敢承受一切质疑的眼光吗?

突然感觉对不起小时候爱做梦的自己。

你看你长大了活成了什么鬼样?

只剩下被时间摧残的躯壳和仅存的理智,没有灵魂的活着。

连自己都唾弃的人,是会被世人看不起的。 

闭上眼,我看见我自己在广阔的草原上狂奔。

往没有尽头的大草原奔跑。

闭上眼,我看见自己对着幽蓝的天空发呆。

脑里回放着一幕幕已被遗忘的时光。

然而睁开眼,赫然发现,我还是那个我。 

那个没心没肺的我。

不出色不特别不显眼,

这些都不是什么大事儿。

重要的是,那颗不变的初心。

人家眼中颓废的我,自己眼中懦弱的自己,

多希望有个人能告诉我,别放弃。

可是我深知,能激励自己别放弃的人,

就是我自己。

“无法避免相撞,那就更用力地踩吧。”

快点变得强大吧。

蜕变后的你,必定值得被珍惜。 

#NeverMind

现在懦弱的你,才能造就以后坚强的你。
 

Saturday, September 19, 2015

原谅自己吧。

好久没更新了,这意味着最近我的情绪还不错。
饭防弹的日子越来越长,我才赫然发现,他们有能力可以安抚我的不安。
我只能说,我没有见过三观如此正的艺人。
如果说他们的音乐给我带来了欢乐与感动,那他们的态度让我反思了很久。

在逆境里找到真正的自己,这是何等的珍贵。
在繁华俗世里不迷失方向,这是何等的难得。 
清楚明白自己要的是什么,这是何等的幸运。

黑暗中的互相扶持,团结起来的力量,是不容小觑的。
在大众一片唏嘘声里坚持着没人看得起的梦想,需要多少的勇气?

金南俊在官网更的那篇文章,我看哭了。
到底是用了多少经验和磨炼,才能筑起如此有分量的文字?
金南俊这人,藏着太多我意想不到的惊喜了。
那么好的人,真的很值得被爱。




爱上你自己吧。
这句话说起来容易做起来难。
究竟爱的真谛是什么?爱的颜色又有几种呢?
爱是像棱镜般的。
那句话并不是用真情拥抱自己的人可以参透的。
可是对于很多无法爱自己的人们来说,那句话就像不可捕捉的隐隐约约的光影一般。
所以我的观点,具体的关键词就是“勇气”和“宽恕”。
大概是因为没有勇气直率的面对自己的丑恶面和黑暗的现实才会这样想吧。
如果有完全面对自己的勇气的话,那不就是爱自己了吗?
一切都始于勇气。 
没什么特别之处的这个词,最近把我变得很特别。
有趣的是,勇气用另一种说法就是“本事”。

所以就会更特别一点。
最终重要的是内在的本事。
究竟我的本事是什么呢。。。
最近被问及想要怎样的去生活这种终极问题。
我说我想过那种可以原谅自己的人生。
不知道有多少能被理解,但是很感谢大家纷纷对我的答案表示赞同。
所以,没有像原谅一样困难又强劲的东西了吧。
我想过的是不仅可以原谅我的错误,而是对我的一切都以“结果是”这种形式去原谅的人生。
(把自己的错误看作是一种结果,就是因为是我,所以会犯这样的错误,是对自己的一种释然) 
爱上自己这件事其实不就是原谅自我吗?
时光流逝,偶尔会闪现一些念头。
比起“世界上没有人和我一样”这种想法,“像我一样”的人还是比想象中多很多的。
所以,不要因为似乎没有人是像我一样,没有人能够理解我的人这种想法而难过。
如果你拥有一颗火热的心,那么无论在哪都会有和你拥有相似温度的心的人出现。
什么时候变成这样的?
因为没有比拥有一颗火热的心去生活更帅气的事了。
世界分明就是有无可奈何的事啊。
所以我们,
原谅我们自己吧。

-金南俊 (27/8/2015)- 




他说,
나를 믿어줬던 모든 사람들을 배신하게 될까봐.
害怕背叛了那些相信我的人



不,你从来没有。







Tuesday, June 16, 2015

이사가자

Ayyo my blog ! It's been a month since I last updated you. Feel like blurting out some thoughts. so hello again C:

Well my degree year 2 sem 1 started last week. Can still enjoy myself as the first three weeks are going to be my honeymoon weeks. Uhm tbh I don't have much uni friends , so I usually follow my friend's timetable for every sem ever since we've met each other. BUT ! this sem is an exception :( we are in different tutorial classes for 3 subjects. and we now have different break time. For the first week which was last week , I was really nervous as I'm going to be all alone. Am actually worried that I will hardly get assignment groupmates. However I still managed to have quite okay groupmates yay ! *uhmmkayyy at least I'm satisfied with some of their attitudes*

After attending several classes alone , I've found out that being alone isn't that bad tho. At least I can walk faster *my friend walks really slow fyi* and without my friend's distraction , I can actually learn well. I'm not putting the blame on her but she really does distract me a bit even though she doesn't mean to do so. *I'm sorry* Being in different classes isn't our original intention but when I look it another way round , there are still interesting parts that I never realized. Looking forward to the following weeks and group assignments heh ! 

During my sembreak in May, I discovered my health is getting worse and my emotion is kinda unstable. Don't feel like talking about my health problem but my unstable emotion is definitely the biggest factor. I am easily frustrated and overly passionate on things that I supposed them to be the right things to do. Then my uncle told me "事不关己,己不怒心。气死自己没有人可怜你" So I'm currently learning how to be calmer and cleverer. This doesn't mean that I should be selfish all the time, but at least I should learn how to protect myself. I used to not observe or analyze the problem before I act. This kinda brings harm to myself sometimes. Always regret after acting , that's me. My family , relatives and friends all have the conception of me being too dedicated on something. Not on the good side but bad side. I'm really sensitive and love to overthink. Sometimes when people's words don't mean that way, but I interpret it in a really negative way. I myself know this is not good, I can't help but just being emotional after overthinking. 

nahhh I'm in a good mood today , don't wanna ruin my day. Let's talk about something happy. I'm currently watching "Problematic Man" which Rap Monster is the fixed guest of the show. Basically this show is all about IQ tests, problem solving and critical thinking skills. and here I proudly present Rap Monster aka NamJoonie with his glorious IQ 148 ! When he speaks English , GOD DAMN IT it is PORN PORN PORN !!! When he manages to answer those difficult questions which kill alot of brain cells , GOD DAMN IT he's genius mannnn !!! feel so good to stan a clever, creative, thoughtful and attractive man ♥

I've never been so into a song's lyrics until I saw bangtan's lyrics. I wonder how much circumstances had they came over to write those beautifully hurtful yet meaningful words. Every single lyrics written by them is so precious. For the very first time I ever have the feeling of "Good melody can touch your emotions and good lyrics can touch your soul." I have a habit of writing my favourite quotes / lyrics in my scrapbook. and now most of them are bangtan's lyrics / quotes. These boys have actually inspired me to be different. Especially rapmon and suga , both of them really inspire me alot. I see determination and passion in bangtan's eyes. Dare to be different , dare to discover the new you. This may take time but at least I am trying :)

Hope to keep up my hyper and good mood for the entire semester. and pray hard for a smooth and effortless semester * although I know this will never come true * Have faith, embrace pain and bring hope to everyone around you. Adios ~ 

I turned my eyes to the window and everything looks gray
Gray city, gray buildings, gray roads, gray rain
Everything in this world is slow


Rain - BTS



Throwing the ball by himself
What I’m shooting at the rim
Are my countless thoughts and worries


Intro : 화양연화 - BTS




You took away my stars at night, my sun at day
Only leaving me with the darkness of a single cold cloud
If there are hellos, then there’s bound to be goodbyes?


Let Me Know - BTS


 










Monday, May 4, 2015

我该怎么办。

整理了最近的情绪,发现自己好像有点厌世。
我该怎么办?
全部人都在往前走,而我却不断退后。
我害怕,我畏缩。
拒绝认识新朋友,拒绝走出自己的圈子。
就算认识了,也只是泛泛之交,也根本没必要深交。
大学这邪恶的小社会,藏着多少暗讽和心机。
看着街道上成群结伴的一群人,我只想问一句,
你们全部都开心吗?真的开心吗?
我讨厌这世界。
讨厌它的虚伪。讨厌它的不真实。讨厌它的假象。
更讨厌别人用虚伪堆积出来的笑容和泪水。
我把自己锁在自己设下的圈子里,觉得那样自己好有安全感。
因为我根本没给机会别人伤害我。
我感觉我承受不了那么多疼痛,所以只好选择避开。
世界那么大,我却选择了把我自己锁在只容纳得下我自己的小世界。
可笑吧?
不敞开心房,别人又怎样走进你心里呢?
可是有缘的人,无论你怎么把他拒以门外,某天他还是有办法会进来的。
感觉自己的性格渐渐变得像只猫。
极度缺乏安全感,极度需要别人的爱,自己却无能给予。
那样的我,你怕了吗?
我怕。

“你以前不是那样的,那个阳光自信的邓卉芩去哪里了?”
“她被现在的邓卉芩活埋了”

以前的我,绝对不适合,也根本不可能融入这社会里。
嚣张自我 目中无人
就算我不把自己杀了,别人也会把我给捅了。
我小心翼翼的活在这社会里,做着自己根本不喜欢的事。
我也越来越不明白活在这世上到底有什么意义。
把自己的心留给只有自己的世界,做我爱做的事。
我安于现状,觉得现在的自己很好。
怎么办?谁来推我一把?让我清醒。
是时候要往前走了。
却不知道该往哪儿走。
感觉我把我最适合思考未来的中学生涯拿来浪费了。
当时应该提前做好思想工作的啊。
才不会换来现在的迷茫和颓废。
一个半只脚已经踏入社会的人,却迷失了方向。
没有梦想,没有想做的事,没有喜欢的人。
身边的一切好像都与我无关。
我用我自己喜欢的方式来让我自己开心。
别人的喜怒哀乐根本影响不了我。
我在用对偶像的爱来麻醉自己。
因为我知道他们根本伤害不了我。
好多人告诉我,对自己好一点,找个男朋友疼自己。
我只想说,你就那么肯定他会疼我?
在这浑浊的社会里,谁还会有勇气去爱?
不害怕受伤吗?不害怕疼痛吗?
学会爱人前,最重要的是学会爱自己。
我现在连自己都不懂怎么爱我自己,那我又该怎么去爱别人。
别开玩笑了好吗?

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

DO YOU ?

People telling me that I've changed a lot. 
I replied with a smile , We still have to grow up , don't we ?
With the moral values that I once hold on , I will not be able to survive. 
Because in this cold world , no one can actually feel my vibe.
Living on this earth , everything is a lesson.
I live , I learn , I love , I let go.
Waking up one day , and I suddenly decided to forgive everything. 
For the sake of myself , and for the sake of a better life. 
Though it hurts when I hear people's insults. 
My friend asked me : Are you really happy inside ? I'm being serious.
I answered : yea of course I am. Forgiving people's mistakes and bad will definitely make me happy.
Yes. Letting go of these shits is good , but it hurts.
How I wish I could live every single day being the real me , without considering anyone else.
Why the fuck should I care for your feelings when you don't do the same ?
I'm not born to please you and see your shit face.
You say you wanna slap me in my face , and so do I. 
But , my conscience doesn't allow me to do so. 
Growing up doesn't mean that I can't do things that I love.
We all grow up to become a better person , aren't we ?
So , why should you grab hold of the hate towards me ?
I've apologized , I've made everything clear , and I owe you nothing.
I know I can't control what comes out from your mouth.
But please , if you wanna talk bad about me , please don't let me hear that.
I can no longer tolerate this pain anymore. 
And can you please mind your words ? 
Isn't that too much to address me as 不要脸  just because I wore a crop tee ?
LOL what else can I say ?
People are blinded by hatred and contempt.
There's a song that matches my feelings. Rap Monster's "Do You"
DO YOU DO YOU DO YOU DO THE FUCK YOU WANT.
Since everything I do seem wrong in your eyes , then just don't fucking look at me.
I am not afraid of you , I just want myself to live a happier life without seeing your face that's full of hatred. 
Current goal : learn not to care how other people judge me.
Neither good nor bad , I shouldn't have cared. 
Hope that my self-reflection leads me to the right path.
Every single day I'm learning to be a better person.
Call me annoying , but I really wish I can turn myself into someone who can fit well in this society. 
Because I am pretty sure that the REAL me can't survive in this cold world. 
Till the day I die , I guess I will be thankful to the current me.
Figuring what's lacking in myself is really important. 
I don't know when I developed this habit , but I tend to do a self-reflection at least once a week.
Every single blog post in this blog is my journal of reflection.
Thank You , Tang Hui Chin. 




PS :
A secret had been kept in my heart since 8/3/2014. 
I'm waiting for that day to come by.
And I will be embracing the fact that sounds a little bit ridiculous. 
You know , waiting for an answer which has been known is torturing.
Perhaps I'm not mature enough to handle this.
Perhaps this is not the right time.
But sometimes I question myself , why me ?
Or should I be proud because out of 70 billion people in this world , I am being chosen by her ?
LOL who knows ?
Let's just live everyday to the fullest and develop myself to be a better person while waiting for her to come to me. 
Or maybe that day will never come ?
I know I sound weird. 
I just wanna keep track of these words.

Wednesday, March 18, 2015

人生哦人生

最近好多负能量。
看着那么多悲欢离合,我想了很多。
其实面对死亡,我坦然了好多。
别人说,做人要活在当下。
对,享受生活之余,也要过得精彩。
如果哪天真的突然走了,起码不要让自己有遗憾。
妈妈说,走的人轻松,活着的痛苦。
所以,活着时,千万不要留遗憾。
还是那句,把时间留给家人。
他们需要你,你也需要他们。
人生已经如此的艰难,谁都想活的轻松,看开点吧。

Thursday, February 26, 2015

单身狗的唠叨

幸福是自己争取的。

幸福吧,绝对不是偶然。
但茫茫人海中,必定有能让你感到幸福的事。
爱情不一定会成为你幸福的理由。
如果在70亿人口里找不到能给予你爱情的人,那一枝独秀有什么不好 ?
开心,不需要找到个人与你分享,you yourself enjoy the happiness to the fullest.
这样不是很好吗 ?
伤心,有能力把整个悲伤扛起来,才是真正的强大。
每个人对爱情的看法都不同,此时此刻的我,觉得爱情是种可有可无的一种情感。
幸福未必是开心的。
好比如暗恋一个人,即使他只是看了你一眼,那也是种心酸的幸福。
很多朋友都会安慰你说,幸福是自己争取的。
可是你何尝不知道,自己能赢得他的心的胜算是多少。
不是不敢争取,而是怕到最后连喜欢的机会都没了。
所以,为了不让自己难堪失望,还是尽早找到另一个能让你幸福的理由吧。
看着身边的人的感情事,我忽然有点释怀。
从来没觉得单身能有多自由,现在我知道了。
最近单身主义的我,很幸福。

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

你信缘吗?

我,很相信缘分。

无论是家人,亲戚,朋友,见过面的陌生人,

我们都是有缘人。
 
然而,有缘无份,是最让人无奈的。

只能说,我们人啊,总在不对的时间遇上对的人;在对的时间遇上错的人。





looking back at my old photos ,

it hurts me inside.

1/4/2014

Friday, January 2, 2015

2015 !

BOOYA 2015 !

It's 2015 and I'm turning 20 !
YEAH YEAh YEah Yeah yeah ...........
Time please stop so I can remain a teenager TuT
Uhmmm for 2015 , I don't have any new year resolution (PS : there are still tons of goals that have not been achieved )
Or maybe I shall talk on some hopes of 2015.
I wish that 2015 will be a motivating year. Gonna kill all the lazy worms that live in my body as parasites. Have been lazy for years and this is bad. Real bad.
And I wish that 2015 will be a peaceful year. Hope that people in the world can live in peace.
And another 不要脸的 request
可以在2015年里脱单吗 ? 应该是不能了 哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈

Okay anyway ,
2015 PLEASE BE GOOD TO EVERYONE ~

PS : Since it's the year of yang meh meh , please allow me (不要脸的) to imitate yang meh meh. Proudly introducing the "yang meh meh" hairstyle ! Yay ! MEHHHHHHHHH *