你还要我怎样

再次得感受到这世界对美丑的差别待遇
也不是屁股疼要去纠结什么
可能被朋友无数次的无心之谈给伤到了吧
我这个朋友声称自己是外貌协会的钻石级会员
可能我的样貌搭不上她的审美标准 ?
在同一天里暗讽了我样子不出色
我是不出色怎么了 碍着你了吗 ?
我承认这个世界是很现实的 都喜欢好看的事物
我不喜欢打扮 也不想要花心思打扮
只有在心情好的时候才会去让自己好看点
可能我是个怪女人 连脸都懒得洗的女人
可是我不觉得我的不出色会对你的生活造成伤害
就由得我那样好不好
还有朋友跟我说 世界上没有丑女人只有懒女人
好吧 有时候化了妆的确是会让人看多几眼
可是我不喜欢啊 没办法吧
为了迎合这个现实的社会 我还是要学会化妆的
愿自己被世界温柔以待 😏

#吐槽完毕 #肚子饿 #睡不着

希望能一夜好眠

又是一章深夜感叹

最近回顾防弹的花样年华系列，深思了花样年华的意义。
花样年华是指人生中最美好的一刻。
我个人认为，不经过一番挫折，是不会感受到花样年华的美。
一帆风顺的人生，是可遇不可求的。可是如果人生没有挫折，那是可悲的。

我认为一个人的花样年华是在此人对周遭最不安的时候发生的。
就是在花样年华经历了太多的不安，人类才会学习如何成长。
我最不安的年龄应该是19至20岁那段期间。无论我做什么都会自卑与自我质疑。反倒现在挨过去了，回首一看，才发现自己可笑得可怜。
花样年华终究会过去的。命运掌控在自己手中，接下来的人生要走花路或外路，你自己选。

*没有什么思路的毒鸡汤。纯粹半夜睡不着想写东西发泄+帮助催眠

Goodnight world.

헐

夜深了就特别多感慨。最近忙着实习的事，根本没时间沉淀自己的情绪。
说起实习，我也就开始为我的未来担忧。
不知该何去何从，也不知该走怎样的路。
可能我人生的最终目标是要活得不为钱而烦恼吧。
可能会有点现实，可是现在万物都以钱为基础。
没有了金钱烦恼才可以活得舒服自在。
但我也清楚知道刚踏入职场都是会有这样的烦恼。
没办法啦，菜鸟也就只能将就一下了。
忽然有种不想长大的冲动，我什么都不想管，只想快乐的做我自己。
可是我已经预见二三十年后的自己，应该又是为了讨生活而奔波吧。

现在该谈谈感情事了。
好奇怪，自从2014年初喜欢过一个男生后，我就再也没有对谁上心过。
也不是放不下他，就是对其他男生动不了心。
就一直处于这种单身的状态。可是我想声明，我是single but not available.
缘分来了挡也挡不住。
我不是为了想找个人疼我爱我而随便把我自己托付给别人的女生，更不会为了拍拖而拍拖。
我认为现在是自我升值时间，把自己充值后，才可以遇到更好的那个他。
实习时，有男生嘴贱酸我为什么不找男朋友。
我如实解释了自己的看法，却被他们说我这是太dry而袒护自己的言论。
对不起我想你搞错了。就是有你们这种男生，我才不想谈恋爱的。
到处撒网，见到有无知/不错的女生上钩就收网。你们的喜欢/爱都那么廉价吗 ?
果真现在这个年龄的男生还不够成熟。所以我绝对赞成另一半比自己年长会过得好的这个看法。
我真心希望可以遇到一个能指引我能领导我的男人。*严重声明是男人不是男生*
嘴贱/油腔滑调的男生我们真的不来电，请管管你的嘴谢谢。
你对我嘴贱，我的嘴就会比你更贱。请不要以为我会娇羞/装傻回复你。*那么不温柔活该没男友*
我还真的做不出细声细语弱不经风的样子。很好奇那些女生是怎样做到的。

*我压抑了一个月的看法，终于在今晚倾洒而出。跟嘴贱男生相处烧了我不少脑细胞*

两年零四个月

两年零四个月，他们重逢于美好的季节。
不懂他们是怀着怎样的心情面对对方。
可是在我看来，最开心的，就是那些一直相信着这一天的人们。
我一直没有放弃过，也一直选择相信。
相信他们的相濡以沫，相信他们的肩并肩。
繁星不黯，我亦不离。

这是我自己的脑洞  : *不喜勿喷*
假设K与L的关系仍然处于最熟悉的陌生人阶段，那K今天一副高冷的样子就能被解释了。面对自己的前队友，他可能害怕众人的舆论与目光，才会筑起高墙，让外人不能伤害他。
而L，全程心情大好，甚至在K表演后给予一分耐人寻味的暧昧笑容。
从L的角度来看，他大方的在自己写的书里谈及前队友们，并依旧用以前的称呼来称呼他们。
当年在快乐大本营，眼中闪着泪光，嘴里说着"一个团队当然辛苦 忍一忍就过去了嘛"的L 就像是被伤害的刺猬。明明很受伤，还要竖起尖刺。
表面上像不会再原谅他的感觉，可是还是会去关注K的动态，会去听他写的歌。
然而，时隔两年，他似乎不再介意。
我只愿他们一切安好，不忘这份特别的情谊。

是时候充电了

浑浑噩噩了一段日子，我想我也该充实自己了
不懂在哪儿看过一句话
“有时间就读书或旅行吧，灵魂和身体，必须有一个在路上。”
既然没有那么多机会去旅行，那我就读书吧。
我忽然想起之前收藏的一个帖子，是南俊曾经推荐的书籍。
我就挑中了几本来收藏。
而这本《无限近似于透明的蓝》，我看了简介，感觉还不错。
作者是村上龙，我找到的版本是华语译版。
反正页数没有很多，我就打算先把这本看了。
并不是想装文青，就是想透过文字看看这世界有多大。
我一直相信文字可以救赎灵魂。
有点后悔以前不懂得欣赏文字里的奥妙。
可是现在开始阅读一点也不嫌迟。
加油。

.

明明就很难受，却一滴泪也流不出。

难道长大了，就没有流泪的理由了吗？

时间推着我往前走，回头一看，我与真正的我背道而行，越行越远。

一个人的空间，怎样都填补不了的空虚。

悲伤的含量那么大，难过堆积在心头。
 
就像个装满水的气球，明明就撑不下去了，却还在硬撑。

拜托，给我一个哭的理由好吗。我憋得很辛苦。

每次考试就是负能量爆棚的时候，净会想些有的没的。

不过又考砸了一张纸，不要难过了好吗。

不过又是高估了自己，不过又是后悔没读书。

睡一觉起来，什么事都没有了。

Appreciation.

Time flies and fades at a very fast pace that I couldn't catch up. It's already 2016 but I'm still not believing it yet. I will be turning 21 in 4 months time. Back in the days I was still in secondary school, this is the moment where I'll be struggling to prepare for school reopen. How sad I couldn't relate myself to secondary school anymore. I once thought university life will be fun and interesting as I have much freedom and free time. Hehe but after crawling and rolling over all the shits in university for almost 3 years, I only realized that the secondary life that I had been through has became so precious to me. The best moment of my life is slipping away from my fingertips and I almost forget how happy I used to be.

But in 2015, I found my source of happiness. To me, they are not only idols but also my saviors and teachers. I always wonder what made me fall for them at the first place, and finally I found my answer. Yes, their musics and attitudes are the reasons why. For the very first time I could actually feel someone's vibes, so strong so powerful. Never expect myself to fall for them so hard, as their music is not my style. but hey, it's always hard to take the first step. I don't listen to hip hop and EDM that much in the past few years. So, I never expect myself to actually enjoy bangtan's loud music. The surprising part is I was attracted by bangtan's unique way of expressing hiphop, and idk what should I call it, it's just a special feature that bangtan owns, their music is special, you can just tell by listening to their songs. They have their own special way presenting their music. The lyrics they wrote are also one of the important reasons why I fell for them. Same as them, I'm in my early 20s too. Obviously we share the same problem. I'm actually glad that there are people out there that actually feel the same way as I do. Thank you bangtan for letting me know that I'm not alone. We all get lost in youth but after all we will still find the way out. Please give us some time and bear with us, we will be at the right spot someday. 

So, I'm actually very thankful to BTS, in every way that they reach out and get close to their fans, via musics, medias and of course their hearts. The motivation they gave me is so great. I love the way they encourage everyone to move along with them. Don't stop running even though you're hurt. It's okay if you want to rest, but do remember, the dawn is the darkest time of the day before the sun rises. So don't give up on your tomorrow. Never mind, we are still young, there are lots of things in the world that we can’t help. Growing up is all about falling down, learning and getting up. No matter how thorny the road is, don't give up, just run. Because we are too young and immature to give up. Whenever I'm feeling down and sad, I will listen to Rain, Tomorrow, Nevermind, Whalien 52 and 화양연화. These songs and lyrics motivate and heal me.

Music and passion brought these 7 young men from different backgrounds together, and they actually brought ARMYs from the whole world into one. Music makes one, this best describes BTS and ARMY. I am a proud army, seeing bangtan went through so many ups and downs, and now they are working hard to reach that spot. I will keep going with them, witness their success and mine too. Let's move on, to a better place. 2016 우리는 행복하자.

Take It Slow.

我们还年轻，还有好多梦可追。

可是黑暗中的曙光，是否那么容易被抓住？

看不清的前路，不堪回首的来时路。

我在原地，进退两难。

 多希望有股神秘的力量指引我前进。

他说，自我开发的书都是废话。

没有人能比自己更了解自己。

踩在脚下的荆棘到底成了我的动力或绊脚石？

我不甘心就那样停住，却没有勇气往前走。

在世人世俗的眼光中背道而行，你敢放手一搏吗？ 

你敢承受一切质疑的眼光吗？

突然感觉对不起小时候爱做梦的自己。

你看你长大了活成了什么鬼样？

只剩下被时间摧残的躯壳和仅存的理智，没有灵魂的活着。

连自己都唾弃的人，是会被世人看不起的。 

闭上眼，我看见我自己在广阔的草原上狂奔。

往没有尽头的大草原奔跑。

闭上眼，我看见自己对着幽蓝的天空发呆。

脑里回放着一幕幕已被遗忘的时光。

然而睁开眼，赫然发现，我还是那个我。 

那个没心没肺的我。

不出色不特别不显眼，

这些都不是什么大事儿。

重要的是，那颗不变的初心。

人家眼中颓废的我，自己眼中懦弱的自己，

多希望有个人能告诉我，别放弃。

可是我深知，能激励自己别放弃的人，

就是我自己。

“无法避免相撞，那就更用力地踩吧。”

快点变得强大吧。

蜕变后的你，必定值得被珍惜。 

#NeverMind

现在懦弱的你，才能造就以后坚强的你。

 

原谅自己吧。

好久没更新了，这意味着最近我的情绪还不错。
饭防弹的日子越来越长，我才赫然发现，他们有能力可以安抚我的不安。
我只能说，我没有见过三观如此正的艺人。
如果说他们的音乐给我带来了欢乐与感动，那他们的态度让我反思了很久。

在逆境里找到真正的自己，这是何等的珍贵。
在繁华俗世里不迷失方向，这是何等的难得。 
清楚明白自己要的是什么，这是何等的幸运。

黑暗中的互相扶持，团结起来的力量，是不容小觑的。
在大众一片唏嘘声里坚持着没人看得起的梦想，需要多少的勇气？

金南俊在官网更的那篇文章，我看哭了。
到底是用了多少经验和磨炼，才能筑起如此有分量的文字？
金南俊这人，藏着太多我意想不到的惊喜了。
那么好的人，真的很值得被爱。

爱上你自己吧。

这句话说起来容易做起来难。

究竟爱的真谛是什么？爱的颜色又有几种呢？

爱是像棱镜般的。

那句话并不是用真情拥抱自己的人可以参透的。

可是对于很多无法爱自己的人们来说，那句话就像不可捕捉的隐隐约约的光影一般。

所以我的观点，具体的关键词就是“勇气”和“宽恕”。

大概是因为没有勇气直率的面对自己的丑恶面和黑暗的现实才会这样想吧。

如果有完全面对自己的勇气的话，那不就是爱自己了吗？

一切都始于勇气。 

没什么特别之处的这个词，最近把我变得很特别。

有趣的是，勇气用另一种说法就是“本事”。

所以就会更特别一点。

最终重要的是内在的本事。

究竟我的本事是什么呢。。。

最近被问及想要怎样的去生活这种终极问题。

我说我想过那种可以原谅自己的人生。

不知道有多少能被理解，但是很感谢大家纷纷对我的答案表示赞同。

所以，没有像原谅一样困难又强劲的东西了吧。

我想过的是不仅可以原谅我的错误，而是对我的一切都以“结果是”这种形式去原谅的人生。

（把自己的错误看作是一种结果，就是因为是我，所以会犯这样的错误，是对自己的一种释然） 

爱上自己这件事其实不就是原谅自我吗？

时光流逝，偶尔会闪现一些念头。

比起“世界上没有人和我一样”这种想法，“像我一样”的人还是比想象中多很多的。

所以，不要因为似乎没有人是像我一样，没有人能够理解我的人这种想法而难过。

如果你拥有一颗火热的心，那么无论在哪都会有和你拥有相似温度的心的人出现。

什么时候变成这样的？

因为没有比拥有一颗火热的心去生活更帅气的事了。

世界分明就是有无可奈何的事啊。

所以我们，

原谅我们自己吧。

-金南俊 （27/8/2015）- 

他说，

나를 믿어줬던 모든 사람들을 배신하게 될까봐.

害怕背叛了那些相信我的人

不，你从来没有。

 

이사가자

Ayyo my blog ! It's been a month since I last updated you. Feel like blurting out some thoughts. so hello again C:

Well my degree year 2 sem 1 started last week. Can still enjoy myself as the first three weeks are going to be my honeymoon weeks. Uhm tbh I don't have much uni friends , so I usually follow my friend's timetable for every sem ever since we've met each other. BUT ! this sem is an exception :( we are in different tutorial classes for 3 subjects. and we now have different break time. For the first week which was last week , I was really nervous as I'm going to be all alone. Am actually worried that I will hardly get assignment groupmates. However I still managed to have quite okay groupmates yay ! *uhmmkayyy at least I'm satisfied with some of their attitudes*

After attending several classes alone , I've found out that being alone isn't that bad tho. At least I can walk faster *my friend walks really slow fyi* and without my friend's distraction , I can actually learn well. I'm not putting the blame on her but she really does distract me a bit even though she doesn't mean to do so. *I'm sorry* Being in different classes isn't our original intention but when I look it another way round , there are still interesting parts that I never realized. Looking forward to the following weeks and group assignments heh ! 

During my sembreak in May, I discovered my health is getting worse and my emotion is kinda unstable. Don't feel like talking about my health problem but my unstable emotion is definitely the biggest factor. I am easily frustrated and overly passionate on things that I supposed them to be the right things to do. Then my uncle told me "事不关己，己不怒心。气死自己没有人可怜你。" So I'm currently learning how to be calmer and cleverer. This doesn't mean that I should be selfish all the time, but at least I should learn how to protect myself. I used to not observe or analyze the problem before I act. This kinda brings harm to myself sometimes. Always regret after acting , that's me. My family , relatives and friends all have the conception of me being too dedicated on something. Not on the good side but bad side. I'm really sensitive and love to overthink. Sometimes when people's words don't mean that way, but I interpret it in a really negative way. I myself know this is not good, I can't help but just being emotional after overthinking. 

nahhh I'm in a good mood today , don't wanna ruin my day. Let's talk about something happy. I'm currently watching "Problematic Man" which Rap Monster is the fixed guest of the show. Basically this show is all about IQ tests, problem solving and critical thinking skills. and here I proudly present Rap Monster aka NamJoonie with his glorious IQ 148 ! When he speaks English , GOD DAMN IT it is PORN PORN PORN !!! When he manages to answer those difficult questions which kill alot of brain cells , GOD DAMN IT he's genius mannnn !!! feel so good to stan a clever, creative, thoughtful and attractive man ♥

I've never been so into a song's lyrics until I saw bangtan's lyrics. I wonder how much circumstances had they came over to write those beautifully hurtful yet meaningful words. Every single lyrics written by them is so precious. For the very first time I ever have the feeling of "Good melody can touch your emotions and good lyrics can touch your soul." I have a habit of writing my favourite quotes / lyrics in my scrapbook. and now most of them are bangtan's lyrics / quotes. These boys have actually inspired me to be different. Especially rapmon and suga , both of them really inspire me alot. I see determination and passion in bangtan's eyes. Dare to be different , dare to discover the new you. This may take time but at least I am trying :)

Hope to keep up my hyper and good mood for the entire semester. and pray hard for a smooth and effortless semester * although I know this will never come true * Have faith, embrace pain and bring hope to everyone around you. Adios ~ 

I turned my eyes to the window and everything looks gray
Gray city, gray buildings, gray roads, gray rain
Everything in this world is slow

Rain - BTS



Throwing the ball by himself
What I’m shooting at the rim
Are my countless thoughts and worries

Intro : 화양연화 - BTS




You took away my stars at night, my sun at day
Only leaving me with the darkness of a single cold cloud
If there are hellos, then there’s bound to be goodbyes?

Let Me Know - BTS


 

我该怎么办。

整理了最近的情绪，发现自己好像有点厌世。
我该怎么办？
全部人都在往前走，而我却不断退后。
我害怕，我畏缩。
拒绝认识新朋友，拒绝走出自己的圈子。
就算认识了，也只是泛泛之交，也根本没必要深交。
大学这邪恶的小社会，藏着多少暗讽和心机。
看着街道上成群结伴的一群人，我只想问一句，
你们全部都开心吗？真的开心吗？
我讨厌这世界。
讨厌它的虚伪。讨厌它的不真实。讨厌它的假象。
更讨厌别人用虚伪堆积出来的笑容和泪水。
我把自己锁在自己设下的圈子里，觉得那样自己好有安全感。
因为我根本没给机会别人伤害我。
我感觉我承受不了那么多疼痛，所以只好选择避开。
世界那么大，我却选择了把我自己锁在只容纳得下我自己的小世界。
可笑吧？
不敞开心房，别人又怎样走进你心里呢？
可是有缘的人，无论你怎么把他拒以门外，某天他还是有办法会进来的。
感觉自己的性格渐渐变得像只猫。
极度缺乏安全感，极度需要别人的爱，自己却无能给予。
那样的我，你怕了吗？
我怕。

“你以前不是那样的，那个阳光自信的邓卉芩去哪里了？”
“她被现在的邓卉芩活埋了”

以前的我，绝对不适合，也根本不可能融入这社会里。
嚣张自我 目中无人
就算我不把自己杀了，别人也会把我给捅了。
我小心翼翼的活在这社会里，做着自己根本不喜欢的事。
我也越来越不明白活在这世上到底有什么意义。
把自己的心留给只有自己的世界，做我爱做的事。
我安于现状，觉得现在的自己很好。
怎么办？谁来推我一把？让我清醒。
是时候要往前走了。
却不知道该往哪儿走。
感觉我把我最适合思考未来的中学生涯拿来浪费了。
当时应该提前做好思想工作的啊。
才不会换来现在的迷茫和颓废。
一个半只脚已经踏入社会的人，却迷失了方向。
没有梦想，没有想做的事，没有喜欢的人。
身边的一切好像都与我无关。
我用我自己喜欢的方式来让我自己开心。
别人的喜怒哀乐根本影响不了我。
我在用对偶像的爱来麻醉自己。
因为我知道他们根本伤害不了我。
好多人告诉我，对自己好一点，找个男朋友疼自己。
我只想说，你就那么肯定他会疼我？
在这浑浊的社会里，谁还会有勇气去爱？
不害怕受伤吗？不害怕疼痛吗？
学会爱人前，最重要的是学会爱自己。
我现在连自己都不懂怎么爱我自己，那我又该怎么去爱别人。
别开玩笑了好吗？

DO YOU ?

People telling me that I've changed a lot. 
I replied with a smile , We still have to grow up , don't we ?
With the moral values that I once hold on , I will not be able to survive. 
Because in this cold world , no one can actually feel my vibe.
Living on this earth , everything is a lesson.
I live , I learn , I love , I let go.
Waking up one day , and I suddenly decided to forgive everything. 
For the sake of myself , and for the sake of a better life. 
Though it hurts when I hear people's insults. 
My friend asked me : Are you really happy inside ? I'm being serious.
I answered : yea of course I am. Forgiving people's mistakes and bad will definitely make me happy.
Yes. Letting go of these shits is good , but it hurts.
How I wish I could live every single day being the real me , without considering anyone else.
Why the fuck should I care for your feelings when you don't do the same ?
I'm not born to please you and see your shit face.
You say you wanna slap me in my face , and so do I. 
But , my conscience doesn't allow me to do so. 
Growing up doesn't mean that I can't do things that I love.
We all grow up to become a better person , aren't we ?
So , why should you grab hold of the hate towards me ?
I've apologized , I've made everything clear , and I owe you nothing.
I know I can't control what comes out from your mouth.
But please , if you wanna talk bad about me , please don't let me hear that.
I can no longer tolerate this pain anymore. 
And can you please mind your words ? 
Isn't that too much to address me as 不要脸  just because I wore a crop tee ?
LOL what else can I say ?
People are blinded by hatred and contempt.
There's a song that matches my feelings. Rap Monster's "Do You"
DO YOU DO YOU DO YOU DO THE FUCK YOU WANT.
Since everything I do seem wrong in your eyes , then just don't fucking look at me.
I am not afraid of you , I just want myself to live a happier life without seeing your face that's full of hatred. 
Current goal : learn not to care how other people judge me.
Neither good nor bad , I shouldn't have cared. 
Hope that my self-reflection leads me to the right path.
Every single day I'm learning to be a better person.
Call me annoying , but I really wish I can turn myself into someone who can fit well in this society. 
Because I am pretty sure that the REAL me can't survive in this cold world. 
Till the day I die , I guess I will be thankful to the current me.
Figuring what's lacking in myself is really important. 
I don't know when I developed this habit , but I tend to do a self-reflection at least once a week.
Every single blog post in this blog is my journal of reflection.
Thank You , Tang Hui Chin. 




PS :
A secret had been kept in my heart since 8/3/2014. 
I'm waiting for that day to come by.
And I will be embracing the fact that sounds a little bit ridiculous. 
You know , waiting for an answer which has been known is torturing.
Perhaps I'm not mature enough to handle this.
Perhaps this is not the right time.
But sometimes I question myself , why me ?
Or should I be proud because out of 70 billion people in this world , I am being chosen by her ?
LOL who knows ?
Let's just live everyday to the fullest and develop myself to be a better person while waiting for her to come to me. 
Or maybe that day will never come ?
I know I sound weird. 
I just wanna keep track of these words.

人生哦人生

最近好多负能量。
看着那么多悲欢离合，我想了很多。
其实面对死亡，我坦然了好多。
别人说，做人要活在当下。
对，享受生活之余，也要过得精彩。
如果哪天真的突然走了，起码不要让自己有遗憾。
妈妈说，走的人轻松，活着的痛苦。
所以，活着时，千万不要留遗憾。
还是那句，把时间留给家人。
他们需要你，你也需要他们。
人生已经如此的艰难，谁都想活的轻松，看开点吧。

单身狗的唠叨

幸福是自己争取的。

幸福吧，绝对不是偶然。
但茫茫人海中，必定有能让你感到幸福的事。
爱情不一定会成为你幸福的理由。
如果在70亿人口里找不到能给予你爱情的人，那一枝独秀有什么不好 ?
开心，不需要找到个人与你分享，you yourself enjoy the happiness to the fullest.
这样不是很好吗 ?
伤心，有能力把整个悲伤扛起来，才是真正的强大。
每个人对爱情的看法都不同，此时此刻的我，觉得爱情是种可有可无的一种情感。
幸福未必是开心的。
好比如暗恋一个人，即使他只是看了你一眼，那也是种心酸的幸福。
很多朋友都会安慰你说，幸福是自己争取的。
可是你何尝不知道，自己能赢得他的心的胜算是多少。
不是不敢争取，而是怕到最后连喜欢的机会都没了。
所以，为了不让自己难堪失望，还是尽早找到另一个能让你幸福的理由吧。
看着身边的人的感情事，我忽然有点释怀。
从来没觉得单身能有多自由，现在我知道了。
最近单身主义的我，很幸福。

你信缘吗？

我，很相信缘分。

无论是家人，亲戚，朋友，见过面的陌生人，

我们都是有缘人。
 
然而，有缘无份，是最让人无奈的。

只能说，我们人啊，总在不对的时间遇上对的人；在对的时间遇上错的人。





looking back at my old photos ,

it hurts me inside.

1/4/2014